The First Annual Toilet Tournament

I love March Madness. Until recently, March Madness has loved me. I watched UCLA make three consecutive final four appearances in 2006, 2007, and 2008. Last year, UCLA was eliminated in the second round. I thought that was the worst I was going to see. I was wrong. This year, UCLA is 13-17. My Bruins have logged losses to the likes of Portland and basically every Cal State campus.

To make matters worse, Miami basketball started off the season 15-1, and then simply decided they were done. Now, it's March and my only hope for a rooting interest in this tournament is a miraculous conference tournament run. I'm not the only one suffering. My good friend and fellow basketball enthusiast, Yuval Sharon, is an Indiana fan. No one expected much of IU, but the Hoosiers managed to disappoint even the most realistic IU fans.

As Yuval and I recounted our pathetic college hoop seasons, we came up with an idea. Since neither one of us is going to have a rooting interest in the NCAA tournament this year, we would create a tournament of our very own. This tournament would decide whose team made the most pathetic showing this year. It would be called the Toilet Tournament.

This tournament considers a number of categories to ultimately determine who truly is college basketball's worst team. (More detailed explanation of scoring to come during the First Round). We have narrowed the field of terrible basketball teams to 16. Each team is placed in a region named for an individual who has disgraced himself recently. It just seemed to fit. Without further delay, here are the "lucky" teams named to the First Annual Toilet Tournament.

The Tiger Woods Region
(1) UCLA (13-17)
(2) Rice (8-23)
(3) Bryant (1-29)
(4) Alcorn State (2-29)

The Rod Blagojevich Region
(1) Indiana (10-20)
(2) Fordham (2-26)
(3) Oklahoma (13-17)
(4) Arkansas Pine-Bluff (14-15) (You may ask why a team that is not from a traditional basketball school and has a decent record is in the Toilet Tourney. Well, I'm glad you asked. This team won the first annual "Sybil Award for Split Personalities." The Golden Lions went 0-11 on the road in non-conference play, then proceeded to go 14-4 in SWAC play. They are currently the favorites to win the conference tournament. That's special....so special that they deserve a spot in the Toilet Tournament.)

The John Edwards Region
(1) UNC (16-15)
(2) Marist (1-29)
(3) Penn State (11-19)
(4) The Pac Ten (That's right...this conference was so bad, everyone deserves a spot in the Toilet Tourney)

The Eliot Spitzer Region
(1) Texas (24-8) (Sure, they are going to make the NCAA Tourney, but the Horns went from No. 1 to being unranked)
(2) DePaul (8-23)
(3) LSU (11-19)
(4) UNC-Greensboro (8-23)

Round 1 will begin this weekend. Enjoy!

Stay hot for me, Seminoles!

Florida State o-line, you're just so alert!

What's your deal?

When Stanford went for the two point conversion against USC, Pete Caroll asked Jim Harbaugh repeatedly "what's your deal?" Last night, he had quarterback Matt Barkley go long against UCLA, when USC was up by two touchdowns with less than a minute left. I would ask Pete what his deal is, except I already know the answer: he is a hypocritical, classless individual.

The response I've been getting from USC fans is "why take that time out?" You take that time out to show your team that you're not going to lie down and give up. It is a matter of pride for the program. What Carroll did was not a matter of pride. It was a matter of ego. He is upset that the USC program is circling the toilet this year. He can no longer beat good teams, so he has to run up the score against teams that are not very good, teams that are rebuilding...like UCLA.

Tha fact is both teams played terribly last night, and both programs appear to have problems. It is about time that Carroll realizes that USC is currently sitting fifth in the Pac 10, and should be headed to the Las Vegas bowl. Carroll and USC have a lot more games in which the opposing coaches are going to run up the score in his future...and I can't wait to watch them. In fact, I'm not-so secretly rooting for an Arizona linebacker to "accidentally" tackle Carroll on the sidelines next week.

Frankly, I think Rick Neuheisel should have let his team storm the USC sidelines and start swinging helmets Miami style. However, since that couldn't happen, Neuheisel better remember this when he eventually brings the UCLA football program back from the dead, and he will eventually bring this program back from the dead. Once the Bruin receivers stop doing their best impressions of TO and Neuheisel finds his qb, UCLA is back in business.

To Pete Carroll: show some respect for this great rivalry. Show some respect for your opponnents. Calls like this do not go unnoticed. UCLA and everyone else you have managed to pissed off are all gunning for you. And this time it has nothing to do with the fact that you coach a good team and everything to do with the fact that you are a jerk.

Bringing the Enemy: Violation of "Rules of Being a Good Sports Fan" ch. 4, s 1

Contrary to popular belief, there are guidelines to being a good sports fan. There are certain actions that are so preposterous, so ridiculous, that they would offend any reasonable fan. One of these actions can best be described as "bringing the enemy." The rule is described below, with commentary from the rules committee.

Rules to Being a Good Sports Fan, ch. 4, s 1 "Bringing the Enemy to the Game"

(a) A true fan shall not bring a fan of the opposing team to a home game unless:
(1) opposing fan is significant other or spouse;
(2) opposing fan is in immediate family;
(3) opposing fan is dying of a rare disease;
(4) opposing fan is a close friend known to the true fan for a period of no less than three (3) years.
(b) All persons attending the game with the true fan must fall within one of the exceptions described above.

Commentary: The discussion of this rule was inspired by an individual that brought not one, but TWO patriots fans to the Colts-Pats game in Lucas Oil Stadium. Colts-Patriots has become a heated rivalry. In fact, it is one of the most intense rivalries in professional football today. Let's look at the factors at play here: two teams that consistently win their respective divisions, four recent super bowls between them, and...oh yeah...both start quarterbacks that will eventually end up in Canton.

So why would a self-proclaimed Colts fan decide to give his tickets to fans of such a visiting team? I mean, why stop there? Why not just fly in the entire city of Boston and negate the home field advantage completely while you're at it, dude? If these people are huge Patriots fans, then let them pay premium prices to a scalper. Don't make it easy on them. The only thing that makes this ok is that fact that the Patriots managed to blow a 17 point lead with four minutes left. I hope all the Patriots fans in the building cried...we know Rodney Harrison did.

Tailgating: Because IU Football and Sobriety Don't Mix

October has been disappointing for me. The Angels imploded against the Yankees in Game 6, the Chargers can only win against the Chiefs, and the Hurricanes choked against Clemson. With all this bad, it's time to focus on the good in sports: tailgating.

A couple weeks ago, I went tailgating for homecoming at Indiana University with my friends in Indiana. Those Hoosiers do it right.

On a cold, crisp autumn day, rows and rows of cars enter a series of huge fields, right near the stadium. A bunch of friendly Midwesterners fire up their grills to make pancakes and eggs. That's right, pancakes and eggs. These people are on the tailgate fields as soon as they open. In fact, my friends arrivedthree hours early. From 9 am until noon, we parked on the street and stepped into the tailgate fields to drink and start the tailgating fun. This was for a 7 p.m. game. Compare this to University of Miami students barely making it to a noon game.

Cornhole, burgers, and beer: it truly is a tailgater's heaven. It is one giant outdoor party that lasts all day. In my seven years of tailgating, I have never witnessed such a commitment to a tailgate. One group of people brought an entire pig to roast. Yes, they were sawing off the hoofs at 9:30 am. I couldn't watch.

I have tailgated at a lot of football schools. Nobody does it better than IU. And to think...all of this for a team that is perpetually in the Big 10 basement. Here's the secret: most of the tailgaters don't go to the game. At IU, tailgating is the main event.

Here's to you Hoosiers: Hoo Hoo Hoo...Hoosiers!

Quote of the Week: Celinda on Fantasy Football

One of my very best friends, Celinda, is currently winning our fantasy football league. When I say winning, I mean dominating. She is 5-0 and put up 108 points last week. Here's what she had to say about it:

"If you are looking for another blog topic, I recommend writing about the fallacy that is fantasy football. Skill? no...luck? YES. It's some sort of cruel football god joke on those who know what the hell they're talking about, and I am just a pawn."

Still, impressive showing out of Justice C-Dot!

The face of failure...

I would like to thank Jonathon Papelbon for having such an expressive face. Special thanks go out to the person who thought of "Papel Bomb" as a headline.